The Importance of Controlling Our Feelings

The Importance of Controlling Our Feelings

Feelings are universal.  Everyone has feelings.  Not everyone is able to control their feelings.  Those who understand their own feelings, and the feelings of others do well.  Those who understand how to control their own feelings and channel them into positive motivational outcomes are most successful in life and do even better.  Daniel Goleman wrote a book entitled Working with Emotional Intelligence that is written on this very premise.  It is a powerful read and has given me much food for thought. My Emotatude Children’s series will help children work to build their own emotional intelligence.

As I continue to write about Emotatudes for children I constantly imagine what our feelings look, smell, taste, and move like.  This series is delving deeply into my emotional life.  It has sent me on a world search for what makes us human.  How are we all alike?  It is my belief that every human on the planet experiences feelings.  Perhaps our cultural constructs paint them.  Rarely do we share them openly for everyone to see.

Maybe if we start looking within and honoring our inner space we will find how connected we are. Maybe then we will feel safe enough to share our own feelings.  It is so interesting that I painted Kanipshuns in little swirls as they move about in and out of our raging feelings that are too often pent up and not dealt with.  Then later I read an account of someone describing their very own angry hurt feelings as swirling about in her head. Have studies been done about this?  Are emotions electrical impulses in our brains? Do different emotions move differently?  We are all vibratory beings.  Maybe understanding our Emotatudes and the way they resonate in our lives will help us all live more fulfilled happy lives.

Having a Kanipshun

When Doug the lug blows a pea shooter at Crandle and it goes splat on his sleeve, he is grossed out and irritated.  When Crandle goes into class and Doug hocks some more pea shot loogies at the teacher's sleeve when she is not looking, he is shocked!  When the teacher turns around and sends Crandle to the office thinking he did it, he is angry.  When he goes to recess and the whole class makes fun of him for this, he looses his top and has a kanipshun! Crandle could feel his blood pressure rising. He could feel the tears well up. He could think of about 59 things that he wanted to say to the kids on the playground at that moment, yet not one of them would change his situation.

He thought about blaming, yelling, justifying, screaming, crying, or just being plain ugly right then and there. But instead he took a deep breath. He seriously hoped he could gather up enough calmness to restrain his tongue and his emotions in that moment, and asked Doug if he would like to play something else besides pea shooting. But, Doug just laughed at him.  That was the last straw!

As he stood there on the playground having so many different thoughts swirling through his mind and words of anger sitting on the tip of his tongue, he did it.  He cut off Eileen McNair's hair.  Her beautiful ponytail of hair everyone thought was so fair.  Then he went inside and through a chair.  He wished the spirit deep within himself yielded him to stop, breathe, and be controlled in his actions and his words. He did not do it right this time, but he wished he always allowed himself to be led by his inner peaceful spirit when his emotions got out of control.

When our emotions threaten to overtake us, there is a place inside of us we can learn to depend on that can help us restrain ourselves. We can let our emotions swirl out of control, but most of the time it is not going to change the situation in front of us. If we don’t keep our angry emotions in check, it can lead to harsh words, bitterness, resentment, regret, shame, and guilt.  Crandle had to deal with all of these and make a lot of amends.

Did Crandle have a right to be angry? Maybe he did, but even in his anger, there was a place inside of himself he could learn to access that would help him refrain from doing the wrong thing. Emotions are a good thing. But emotions out of control can reap havoc.

Please read my illustrated book 'Cranky Crandle's Kanipshun Fit' to find out how Dr. Kich helps him deal with his anger.  This is what I think a kanipshun looks like, but my daughter thinks they should have two horns.  Hmmmm..... come to think of it that would fit right in with the expression "The devil made me do it."

Inner Space the Next Great Frontier

I was once told by a doctor that she thought there was more to be revealed about what makes us alive than humankind knows, and that we know less about our inner selves than any other thing on earth.  This was the greatest paradox to her because she observed that the thing closest thing to any human on earth is the very life they are living.  She concluded that there is indeed something about humanity that is other worldly that we don’t know about.  That special something that gives us life and breath was quite evident to her even though she was raised as an atheist.  She reported that even the strictest atheists she knew cried out for God at the time of their death.  

Could our feelings be part of this great unknown life force? We all feel so differently, but we all do have feelings.  The ways we describe our feelings are often the same.  Sometimes the real ‘feelings’ get lost in the translation of that feeling into words.  We all eventually find our own way in the world and sort through our feelings in a way that matches our own personal stamp.  Eventually we become used to our feelings and our own way of being in the world.

Building emotional literacy can open the door to emotional power, happiness, success and satisfying relationships. Being aware of our own emotions and ways to communicate what we are feeling is the first step to expressing and talking about our feelings.  This is the beginning to healthy relationships with ourselves, others, and maybe even God.

Emotatudes

Emotatudes are a new way of looking at our feelings. So often we use adjectives to 'describe' how we feel. That is valuable, but can lead to misunderstandings when perspective are different. Emotatudes are nouns that show us physical proof of the complicated emotions we feel.  Having a kanipshun tells us more than 'being angry.' Having 'a case of the blues' explains more than 'being sad.' What do these nouns look like, feel like or sound like?  The answer to that question will help us unlock the passion of our inner world's in living color with sound and movement.

What are feelings?

What are feelings?  My mother explained to me that they are a response to our world around us.  I remember just being myself as a child and gradually learning how to label my inner mental condition with my external world.  It was complex, and sometimes confusing. I was an open happy child and that was helpful for my exploration of feelings.  There are so many feelings and variations of the types feelings we have below.  I still find it a complicated endeavor to really be in touch with how I feel.  My ‘Emotatude’ series strives to help us all paint pictures of how we feel so our feelings can be understood more easily.  The next time you wrestle with your feelings think about which of the following categories your feelings fall under. It can be a helpful exercise. This list comes from the headings of the feelings list on the web page:  www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html
OPEN	HAPPY	ALIVE	GOOD
LOVE	INTERESTED	POSITIVE	STRONG
ANGRY	DEPRESSED	CONFUSED	HELPLESS
INDIFFERENT	AFRAID	HURT	SAD

Community

We all need to feel loved and we all need compliments. We perceive the world with its ups and downs as it relates to our own condition. Somehow I believe there must be a place where we can share our views freely, and get the encouragement we need.  We should strive for this. If we don’t we will lose sense of community.  Often we don’t know how to ask for what we need.  We can spend years silently and timidly waiting to be accepted for ideas and viewpoints.  Secretly we want people in our lives to think we are smart, creative or kind and most of all an important part of their lives.

Try finding a person who is interested in an affectionate, thoughtful dialogue.  Try out new statements like:

“I really like your idea!  I have some perceptions about what you said.  Do you mind if I share them with you?”

“I just wrote a new blurb on my blog.  Would you read it and tell me if you like it?”

“I can’t believe I feel so negative about this situation.  I think it is my perspective on this.  Can you tell me some things that will help me feel loved and connected?”

I think it is natural to feel alone and out of place some times.  We just need to recognize that it is not a natural state of being and we really do need each other. 

Equality

Educate Equality

Our present educational system is denying success and access to personal abilities.  Many are simply dropping out of the system entirely. These students are our future.   Allowing them to truly be themselves begins with a love and understanding of their own unique identity and gifts.  When children and young adults begin to value their own place in the world they can begin to be a positive participant in their community.  As parents and educators, we can encourage future generations of children and youth to contribute to our society by overcoming age-old prejudices about our present hierarchy. I believe we can break down the cycle  of shame that has so often consumed our educational system.

Knowing each child's gifts and encouraging them to try as hard as they can will motivate individuals to be the best they can be.  How can we introduce fundamental concepts of peace, unity, and academic achievement in anyof the school curriculum - from history to science to the arts if we do not start with the motivation of the individual. It would be great if high academic standards and values were an integral part of a student's experience. But, it can not be done without truly valuing the students themselves and the gifts they have to offer society. The process of educating our future citizens of tomorrow needs to involve interaction with the entire community.

Art, music, and hands on instruction as well as regular field trips in the community build confidence in students.  All students should be considered exceptional in their talents and appreciated for who they are.

The state of Florida is continually raising student expectations and parents are finding new options for success like individual tutoring and home education as well as many enrichment programs in music, art, and sports. There is a continued trend of being weary of massive amounts of testing that place external value on our children without ever asking what gifts each child has to offer our community. This is setting a mold for performance that excludes creativity and unique individuality.  Students are taken out of their music and art classes for raising performance in areas that might not be their strong area. This is difficult for students  who are not ready to meet these higher “expectations.” Why aren’t public schools expecting students to find what makes them unique and special?

Some schools use retention as a strategy for children when their reading skills are low.  In the long run low readers are more successful when allowed to learn at their own pace and not retained.  Many children are not ready to learn to read on the same level at the same age. Children who find their own learning style and pace, thrive academically.

Why damage a child's opinion of who they are just because he or she is unsuccessful at something, when they would be naturally able to do it at a later date? This is an unfortunate consequence of high stakes testing.

Encouraging your child is the most powerful strategy for building academic excellence.  The first step to do this is to give them a chance to excel academically through experiential learning and intensive tutoring. Tell them that you know they are a good learner who needs to find their own special way of learning and that you love them for all the things they are, and that they can do now.

Conferencing with your child’s teacher about alternative assessment methods (such as portfolio assessments) for your child is another powerful strategy to increase academic progress.  

Consider an alternative school setting as a strategy that will individualize your child’s needs.   A small private school with a class size no larger than five or six students will provide individual instruction where children can learn at their own pace.

The final and most important strategy is to make sure your child can celebrate their achievements to build confidence as unique individuals. The laws keep changing but the individual needs of each student remain rather constant.

Many schools offer the "solution" to children who are gifted or don’t fit the traditional mold which is a referral to special education. All too often, schools fail to offer the critical third "R" – Rooting for their own identity. Our community needs to tailor programs to do just this for students 12-18.  We need to give students a chance to find where they belong in our community not on the Florida Student Assessment bar.