Last week my family was planning on
going to a wedding when I found out my Step Uncle had passed away. I was torn because I felt like I belonged to
both of these wonderful families. I belonged to both of these groups who had validated
and accepted me for who I am, and I wanted to do the same for them. I chose to say goodbye to my Uncle, and then
go to be with the next day celebrations with my husband’s family. Both groups included me in their festivities
and have nurtured my soul over the years. I have a theory that when life seems
to be hectic and maybe even pointless, forging forward to connect to ones you
are related to brings new meaning to your life. Belonging to these groups has
taken some effort. They were in Ohio and
Indiana, and I was in Florida. Lovingly
they both engaged with my husband and I and acceptance us as a member or part
of their groups.
As a daughter of divorce, my sense
of belonging was challenged in my teens. My stepfamily invited me to make a
square in their family quilt given to Grandma and Grandpa Emerick 36 years ago.
That meant so much to me. That quilt was hanging on the funeral home wall. It
inspired me to make a memory book for my husband’s parent’s fiftieth
anniversary just one year ago. Such a
simple act of joining us all together to sew a quilt so many years ago for huge
concept. It encouraged me to send a page of a memory book to each family member
to celebrate the love of my new family. This loving act of making a quilt for
my stepmother’s parents gave me sense of belonging that is a human need, just
like the need for food and shelter. The presence of this quilt on this sad day
that we had to say goodbye to one of the people who had sewn his presence into
the fabric of this family gave me solace.
So many years ago each family member
was given a square of fabric to decorate and sew together for a large
expression of love from all. In this quilt I looked at Dan’s square and felt connected
to Dan’s life and was more able to cope with the intensely painful emotions of
saying goodbye. Of all the many ways to belong, I experienced this one knowing
the circle of love in this family was still sewn together with love. I had to leave the funeral with the memory
book that my husband’s family members had contributed to for the wedding and
anniversary celebration and my heart was still very heavy. How could I possibly
switch gears and be happy? Gone were the adventures and gatherings that would
include Dan. As sad as it was I still felt blessed by this connection and
prayed that I would continue working at my connectedness to others. Belonging is supposed to improve motivation, health, and happiness. I felt my
circle widened, and my soul felt deeper from these tender moments, but I could
not honestly say I felt more motivated, or healthier, or happier. Yet this struggle
of dealing with our grief was healed by the loving connections that still held.
Building a Sense of Belonging
I really value being connected to
others. That is why we had been planning
to go to this wedding and to celebrate my mother and father in law’s fiftieth
wedding anniversary. Every time we go to
celebrate a time in joy of a wedding or a holiday I am impressed with the
effort, and time the family in Indiana spends organizing one another to come
together to encourage each other. One way they increase their sense of belonging
is to look for ways we are similar with each other. They share wonderful
stories of times passed and I love to
listen to their experiences. It gives me a new understanding of my husband and
his family. My husband and I are also struck by the interest they take in our
family and what we are doing in our lives. We focus on common areas of interest. This past visit, a cousin shared the family
genealogy that she had researched. We were enriched by their differences, and
renewed.
It is easy to accept the ideas of
others, when you see their differences as a gift to bring you joy that enlivens
your mind. When I walked into the wedding celebration after I had just been to
a funeral it was hard to open my heart in joy.
Yet, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do. Then as we bowed our heads in prayer the
bride’s father mentioned the circle of love and life that God has sewn together
for each and every one of us. I thought
of Ronmans 8:38 “And I am
convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor
life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither
our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell
can separate us from God’s love.” I knew at that moment, that
this, is where God is for me. God was in
each and every one of us there that day.
As hard as it was to accept others with happy open arms on that day, God
was there and we were all witnesses to that circle of love that shall not be
broken. There will always be views that are not the same as yours, but under
that we are all connected. The visit was glorious as the group continued
to validate one another. This built a sense
of belonging and strengthened relationships. This is why the group still
gathers. Validation is acceptance. Acknowledging each member of the group has
grown a large family that supports and cares for one another.
I am so glad I went to the funeral
and the wedding. I was with others I
cared about and they cared about me. I
was blessed to be invited to these moments in life that are markers of the
cycle of life that we are all part of. To
belong we must validate and accept others for who they are, and then they will
do the same for us. That is community. I
hope to build more activities for my circle of friends in Florida and let go of
my judgments and give acceptance and validation to others. Judgments can build
walls. I ask myself what can I do to focus on people? What can I do to
validate others? How can I show others they are accepted in my circle?
Connecting with others is far more important than our own individual likes and
dislikes, for it sustains us. It is
where God’s love abides.
No comments:
Post a Comment