The Core Standards for Emotional Intelligence

We are setting new standards for achievements all over the place that really don’t matter.  Study after study shows that those who are most successful are the ones who know how to get along with others.  Daniel Goleman explains in his book ‘Working with Emotional Intelligence’ that success is not a result of academics, or IQ, or even skills or expertise.  Advancement is best marked by a high level of emotional intelligence.  There is an emotional competence framework he talks about that is methodically being extricated from our child’s school experience by other standards.  Parents need to question how their child can work on learning self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.  When children sit in rows in front of computers can they learn how to be emotionally aware, or are driven to achieve, and make commitments? How can we as parents work to help them learn to understand others? How can we as parents teach our children to influence others positively, and listen openly?  Team building, collaboration, and leadership are all skills we hope our child can build.  Unfortunately there are only so many hours in an educational day.  Parents must take up the slack and involve their child in other extra-curricular activities that have high levels of social interaction where these skills can be learned.

Talking about feelings

How do teach our children to talk about their feelings

One of the most important things we can do for our children is to help them find a way to talk about how they feel without judging, blaming, or theorizing.   One of the ways to help them connect their actions with their feelings is an ‘I’ statement.  Tell them to say: “When you _________________ I feel____________.” Tell them they should not, blame, name call, or judge.

If a child can make this link between behaviors and feelings early on they will tend to be more compassionate later on in life.  How can they learn to talk about their feelings like this?  The parents need to be honest with their feelings and need to show leadership in the way they link their feelings to behaviors.  One ‘I’ statement can show how an action resulted an a particular feeling. Seeing others use I statements will catch on.

If a child is acting out their feelings rather than speaking about their feelings parents should help them by talking out their problems. Questioning can start with.  What happened?  Why did you do that? How did you feel when you did that?  How do you think they feel now?

Emotions are our friends.

     Emotions are our friends.  We do not honor them enough in our society.  That is why there are so many people that lash out against eachothr because they are unable to deal with their feelings in appropriate effective ways.  Feelings need to be taught to children.  They affect them all the time.  When we listen to our own feelings and the feelings of others it is easier to be part of a group. When we are aware of our emotions and the emotions of others we are more effective socially.  How do we learn to recognize, map out and navigate the emotional terrain?

    We must explore the causes of our emotions which are often a mystery to even us.  We stuff our feelings and box them up as if they are criminals to be put in jail.  But, that is a serious mistake.  Every emotion that stews inside us whether it is good or bad is related to the world around us.  Most often it is related to how a person behaved toward us.  So, if we can understand the causes of our feelings we will be able to navigate the world around us to promote our own emotional wellbeing.

     The cultural norm keeps us in our head.  We think about our lives and have lost touch with how to honestly feel and experience our lives. Some therapeutic approaches tell us we cannot cause feelings in others.  This keeps us separate.   I would like to think that each and every one of us in intertwined and connected environmentally, socially, emotionally, and cosmically.  Therefore I would like to point out that if we are going to build emotional literacy, we must examine our feelings, and how the actions of ourselves and others affect the way we and others feel.  Claud Steiner PhD rewrites the famous Fritz Perls “Gestalt Prayer” to say:

If I do my thing and you do your thing

 And if we don’t live up to each other’s expectations

 We might live but the world will not survive.

You are you, and I am I, and together

 Joining hands, not by chance,

We will find each other beautiful

 If not we can’t be helpful.

Let us begin to feel in our hearts the joy, pain, suffering, and love around us.  We might be able to help make the world a better place!

The Importance of Controlling Our Feelings

The Importance of Controlling Our Feelings

Feelings are universal.  Everyone has feelings.  Not everyone is able to control their feelings.  Those who understand their own feelings, and the feelings of others do well.  Those who understand how to control their own feelings and channel them into positive motivational outcomes are most successful in life and do even better.  Daniel Goleman wrote a book entitled Working with Emotional Intelligence that is written on this very premise.  It is a powerful read and has given me much food for thought. My Emotatude Children’s series will help children work to build their own emotional intelligence.

As I continue to write about Emotatudes for children I constantly imagine what our feelings look, smell, taste, and move like.  This series is delving deeply into my emotional life.  It has sent me on a world search for what makes us human.  How are we all alike?  It is my belief that every human on the planet experiences feelings.  Perhaps our cultural constructs paint them.  Rarely do we share them openly for everyone to see.

Maybe if we start looking within and honoring our inner space we will find how connected we are. Maybe then we will feel safe enough to share our own feelings.  It is so interesting that I painted Kanipshuns in little swirls as they move about in and out of our raging feelings that are too often pent up and not dealt with.  Then later I read an account of someone describing their very own angry hurt feelings as swirling about in her head. Have studies been done about this?  Are emotions electrical impulses in our brains? Do different emotions move differently?  We are all vibratory beings.  Maybe understanding our Emotatudes and the way they resonate in our lives will help us all live more fulfilled happy lives.

Having a Kanipshun

When Doug the lug blows a pea shooter at Crandle and it goes splat on his sleeve, he is grossed out and irritated.  When Crandle goes into class and Doug hocks some more pea shot loogies at the teacher's sleeve when she is not looking, he is shocked!  When the teacher turns around and sends Crandle to the office thinking he did it, he is angry.  When he goes to recess and the whole class makes fun of him for this, he looses his top and has a kanipshun! Crandle could feel his blood pressure rising. He could feel the tears well up. He could think of about 59 things that he wanted to say to the kids on the playground at that moment, yet not one of them would change his situation.

He thought about blaming, yelling, justifying, screaming, crying, or just being plain ugly right then and there. But instead he took a deep breath. He seriously hoped he could gather up enough calmness to restrain his tongue and his emotions in that moment, and asked Doug if he would like to play something else besides pea shooting. But, Doug just laughed at him.  That was the last straw!

As he stood there on the playground having so many different thoughts swirling through his mind and words of anger sitting on the tip of his tongue, he did it.  He cut off Eileen McNair's hair.  Her beautiful ponytail of hair everyone thought was so fair.  Then he went inside and through a chair.  He wished the spirit deep within himself yielded him to stop, breathe, and be controlled in his actions and his words. He did not do it right this time, but he wished he always allowed himself to be led by his inner peaceful spirit when his emotions got out of control.

When our emotions threaten to overtake us, there is a place inside of us we can learn to depend on that can help us restrain ourselves. We can let our emotions swirl out of control, but most of the time it is not going to change the situation in front of us. If we don’t keep our angry emotions in check, it can lead to harsh words, bitterness, resentment, regret, shame, and guilt.  Crandle had to deal with all of these and make a lot of amends.

Did Crandle have a right to be angry? Maybe he did, but even in his anger, there was a place inside of himself he could learn to access that would help him refrain from doing the wrong thing. Emotions are a good thing. But emotions out of control can reap havoc.

Please read my illustrated book 'Cranky Crandle's Kanipshun Fit' to find out how Dr. Kich helps him deal with his anger.  This is what I think a kanipshun looks like, but my daughter thinks they should have two horns.  Hmmmm..... come to think of it that would fit right in with the expression "The devil made me do it."

Inner Space the Next Great Frontier

I was once told by a doctor that she thought there was more to be revealed about what makes us alive than humankind knows, and that we know less about our inner selves than any other thing on earth.  This was the greatest paradox to her because she observed that the thing closest thing to any human on earth is the very life they are living.  She concluded that there is indeed something about humanity that is other worldly that we don’t know about.  That special something that gives us life and breath was quite evident to her even though she was raised as an atheist.  She reported that even the strictest atheists she knew cried out for God at the time of their death.  

Could our feelings be part of this great unknown life force? We all feel so differently, but we all do have feelings.  The ways we describe our feelings are often the same.  Sometimes the real ‘feelings’ get lost in the translation of that feeling into words.  We all eventually find our own way in the world and sort through our feelings in a way that matches our own personal stamp.  Eventually we become used to our feelings and our own way of being in the world.

Building emotional literacy can open the door to emotional power, happiness, success and satisfying relationships. Being aware of our own emotions and ways to communicate what we are feeling is the first step to expressing and talking about our feelings.  This is the beginning to healthy relationships with ourselves, others, and maybe even God.

Emotatudes

Emotatudes are a new way of looking at our feelings. So often we use adjectives to 'describe' how we feel. That is valuable, but can lead to misunderstandings when perspective are different. Emotatudes are nouns that show us physical proof of the complicated emotions we feel.  Having a kanipshun tells us more than 'being angry.' Having 'a case of the blues' explains more than 'being sad.' What do these nouns look like, feel like or sound like?  The answer to that question will help us unlock the passion of our inner world's in living color with sound and movement.