Gloria Wilcox and Dealing with Feeling

The emotional wheel is presented to us by many.  Different people label emotions in different ways depending on their paradigm.  Gloria Wilcox has a wheel that helps us release our negative emotions.    She has called upon spirit for answers about how to deal with feelings.  Her latest book Soothing Angels shows us how there are ways to cope.  We all have negative emotions from time to time.  If we can identify our feelings and learn how to reframe them we can heal our path to positive outcomes in our lives.  All of us have terrible things happen to us.  She gives us hope to deal with the roadblocks in our lives to make them instances of healing and learning by processes of coping. We can shift our lives and be centered. In this our inner can be enlivened and we will be more alive. There are so many happenings that can breed a lot of anger.  But, we can learn how to release this anger.  If we learn about empathy, and the soul our lives can be so much more dynamic and peaceful.  This author helps us release our blocks to joy.  When we endeavor to enjoy what we learn it will open us up and give us access to a wider range of emotion.  Take a look at how Gloria mapped out feelings on a wheel so others could navigate their own feelings.  Her work was Christ centered as her father was a minister.  Her vision is a beautiful organic process of being.  If enough people participate in this vision to release anger and bring more love into their lives all the time, perhaps we will have a golden era of love.

Feelings we Feel with our Body

Have you ever heard the expressions (cold feet, butterflies in your stomach, on pins and needles, hot headed, a feeling in the pit of my stomach)?  Why is it we relate certain feelings to various parts of the body?  In 2013 some Finnish researchers were asking themselves the same question.  Before we can understand how this happens, we need to find out what happens.  For their study, over 700 people were shown two silhouettes of bodies next to emotional words and pictures. They told them to mark in the areas on the outlines of the human body that they believed would give their own body a feeling. The results were impressive.  They found in general, people feel emotions in similar parts of their bodies.  This explains why we have such expressions in our language.  The body tends to react in some universal ways.  The next question will be to find out if we can find out how these physical sensations are triggered and why.  If you want to help with these studies you can participate in them yourself at http://becs.aalto.fi/~lnummen/participate.htm

Try it.  It might be fun!

Feelings of Belonging

            Last week my family was planning on going to a wedding when I found out my Step Uncle had passed away.  I was torn because I felt like I belonged to both of these wonderful families. I belonged to both of these groups who had validated and accepted me for who I am, and I wanted to do the same for them.  I chose to say goodbye to my Uncle, and then go to be with the next day celebrations with my husband’s family.  Both groups included me in their festivities and have nurtured my soul over the years. I have a theory that when life seems to be hectic and maybe even pointless, forging forward to connect to ones you are related to brings new meaning to your life. Belonging to these groups has taken some effort.  They were in Ohio and Indiana, and I was in Florida.  Lovingly they both engaged with my husband and I and acceptance us as a member or part of their groups. 

            As a daughter of divorce, my sense of belonging was challenged in my teens. My stepfamily invited me to make a square in their family quilt given to Grandma and Grandpa Emerick 36 years ago. That meant so much to me. That quilt was hanging on the funeral home wall. It inspired me to make a memory book for my husband’s parent’s fiftieth anniversary just one year ago.  Such a simple act of joining us all together to sew a quilt so many years ago for huge concept. It encouraged me to send a page of a memory book to each family member to celebrate the love of my new family. This loving act of making a quilt for my stepmother’s parents gave me sense of belonging that is a human need, just like the need for food and shelter. The presence of this quilt on this sad day that we had to say goodbye to one of the people who had sewn his presence into the fabric of this family gave me solace. 

            So many years ago each family member was given a square of fabric to decorate and sew together for a large expression of love from all. In this quilt I looked at Dan’s square and felt connected to Dan’s life and was more able to cope with the intensely painful emotions of saying goodbye. Of all the many ways to belong, I experienced this one knowing the circle of love in this family was still sewn together with love.  I had to leave the funeral with the memory book that my husband’s family members had contributed to for the wedding and anniversary celebration and my heart was still very heavy. How could I possibly switch gears and be happy? Gone were the adventures and gatherings that would include Dan. As sad as it was I still felt blessed by this connection and prayed that I would continue working at my connectedness to others.  Belonging is supposed to improve motivation, health, and happiness.  I felt my circle widened, and my soul felt deeper from these tender moments, but I could not honestly say I felt more motivated, or healthier, or happier. Yet this struggle of dealing with our grief was healed by the loving connections that still held.

Building a Sense of Belonging

            I really value being connected to others.  That is why we had been planning to go to this wedding and to celebrate my mother and father in law’s fiftieth wedding anniversary.  Every time we go to celebrate a time in joy of a wedding or a holiday I am impressed with the effort, and time the family in Indiana spends organizing one another to come together to encourage each other. One way they increase their sense of belonging is to look for ways we are similar with each other. They share wonderful stories of times passed and I love to listen to their experiences. It gives me a new understanding of my husband and his family. My husband and I are also struck by the interest they take in our family and what we are doing in our lives. We focus on common areas of interest.  This past visit, a cousin shared the family genealogy that she had researched. We were enriched by their differences, and renewed. 

            It is easy to accept the ideas of others, when you see their differences as a gift to bring you joy that enlivens your mind. When I walked into the wedding celebration after I had just been to a funeral it was hard to open my heart in joy.  Yet, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do.  Then as we bowed our heads in prayer the bride’s father mentioned the circle of love and life that God has sewn together for each and every one of us.  I thought of Ronmans 8:38  “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”  I knew at that moment, that this, is where God is for me.  God was in each and every one of us there that day.  As hard as it was to accept others with happy open arms on that day, God was there and we were all witnesses to that circle of love that shall not be broken. There will always be views that are not the same as yours, but under that we are all connected.  The visit was glorious as the group continued to validate one another.  This built a sense of belonging and strengthened relationships. This is why the group still gathers. Validation is acceptance. Acknowledging each member of the group has grown a large family that supports and cares for one another.

            I am so glad I went to the funeral and the wedding.  I was with others I cared about and they cared about me.  I was blessed to be invited to these moments in life that are markers of the cycle of life that we are all part of.  To belong we must validate and accept others for who they are, and then they will do the same for us.  That is community. I hope to build more activities for my circle of friends in Florida and let go of my judgments and give acceptance and validation to others. Judgments can build walls. I ask myself what can I do to focus on people?  What can I do to validate others? How can I show others they are accepted in my circle? Connecting with others is far more important than our own individual likes and dislikes, for it sustains us.  It is where God’s love abides.

Feelings you get from a pet's illness

Pets are a great way to teach children about illness, death and dying.  I will never forget how my little dog moppet taught me how to deal with illness.

We began to love our dear little Moppet more and more each day.  My sister liked to brush her hair.  I liked to feel the softness of her forehead hair.  There was a light brown and grey patch there like that of a poodle.  Her hair would grow and grow and she did not shed much, so we had to take her to the hairdresser to get trimmed like a poodle does.  Her hair styled well because of the wire haired nature.  My sister and I would spend hours and hours brushing her for fun as we watched the local clown Flippo on television as he presented movie classics for the greater central ohio and Columbus area.  In between the show during commercials my brother would get out a rag from the rag box and shake it up in the air and she would jump up in the air two or three feet and grab it with her teeth and then tug at it and not let go.  My brother relished the growl, the intense play and the sport of it all. I worried that she would somehow get hurt.  One day she did.  She lost a baby tooth from the strong tugging of a thirteen year old boy.  Mom then outlawed strong tugging.  Scott had to figure a way to get her to jump and engage in such a determined way.  It was too much to let go of this kind of fun.  He just had to find a way to instigate the growl, the turn of tail, the wild look.  It tickled all our funny bones I had to admit.  My brother was clever.  He devised a way to keep the chase on without the tug.  He got out the garden hose and sprayed it into the air.  It looked white.  To little Moppet that arc in the sky was one huge rag ready to be clamped onto and tugged and growled at and the chase was on!  Up went the water into the sky.  Up went Moppet springing so high in the air.  She spring sprung up up up and bit the ark of water.  Months of rag play prepared her for this day.  She was in her element.  She bit hard, and then….to her surprise it disappeared.  There was Scott at the other end of the hose grinning.  He had the sprayer nozzle on the end of the hose.  He could control the stream of water in an instant.  Moppet looked puzzled.  Scott kept playing with her.  This was even better than the rag!  I thought it was funny too.  “Can I try?”  “Sure!”  Scott was the generous type.  After a while all the kids in the neighborhood had a chance to try and Moppet did not want to stop.  My mother called us in for dinner and we were all wet and dirty and happy.  We washed our hands, sat in our seats and were ready for our meal.  The dog sat at my feet knowing that tonight we were having broccoli.  She curled up against my legs.  Any other night I would nudge her away, but tonight we had a special bond.  I would eat the mashed potatoes.  I would eat the Salsbury steak, but when it came to broccoli I would gag.  I just couldn’t do it.  Moppet and I had a deal.  If she would keep quiet about it, I would hand her all the broccoli she could eat.  No one was the wiser until tonight.

For some reason, tonight she wouldn’t eat it.  I quickly wrapped it up in my napkin hoping no one see, but my mom saw.  I got in trouble.  Just as she was ready to make me take a new bite of a new piece she looked at the dog and saw that she just did not look right.  Something was wrong.  She asked my sister to get out a packet of dog food and feed her, her favorite food.  Moppet heard the crinkling of the plastic and painfully got up and waddled over to her feed bowl.  She sniffed the bowl, tried to take a bite and started to gag.  My mother looked at my dad.  My dad looked at my mom.  Why could the dog be acting so strange?  At that moment my mother had a frightening thought.  The neighbors had just ordered chemlawn to come and treat their lawn against cinch bugs.  This treatment was dangerous and pets were not supposed to go on the lawn for at least 24 hours after treatment. We tried our best to stay on our lawn while playing with the water, but come to think of it, Moppet did run over to their lawn a few times as she had been jumping in the air.  The thought that our poor little Moppet had inadvertently poisoned herself was too much for my sister to bear.  I was too young to understand, but when she started crying, I started crying because she was crying.  My mother’s eyes started watering, then she grabbed ahold of herself and got up from the dinner table and stated that she was going to call the vet right away.  As soon as we all realized something was wrong, Moppet suddenly looked worse.  I asked my mother after she got off the phone with the vet “Mommy, is she going to die?”

The after hours vet came after my mother told him the signs of Moppet’s illness.  Although she didn’t have vomiting, or diarrhea,or seizures yet, she did have lethargy, gagging and loss of appetite. We really didn’t know about the heartbeat because a dog’s heartbeat is different.  It sure sounded like gastrointestinal symptoms according to the vet.  Perhaps they could save her life if they pumped her stomach. She was already having some neurologic symptoms the way she was acting so strangely, and maybe she was having heart symptoms too.  We loved her so much.  Maybe they could hook her up to an electrocardiogram just to see.  It happened so quickly.  This indicated that if she was indeed poisoned we would have to act fast to eliminate it if she would stand a chance..  We had read in the paper about a Labrador retriever who died in one night from a lawn treatment.  We were beside ourselves with panic, fear and worry. Charcoal, might be an option, but we had to be sure.  She had been outside gulping water all afternoon.  We had to take her in just to be sure.

We filed into the vets office.  The vet was kind.  He saw how distressed we all were.  He asked permission to talk frankly in front of the children.  My parents explained that they don’t hide death from us.  It is a part of life.  He explained that if we can get the stomach pumped there is a chance that she will make it.  But first he had to examine her.  He looked into her eyes and was relieved to inform us that her pupils were not dilated and appeared normal.  He checked her vital signs.  Her breathing and heart rate was also normal.  This was one more thing to be relieved about.  He felt her abdomen.  It was as tight as skin on bologna.  It was so hard it felt like she had stones in her stomach.  That was a problem. So next he gathered her up in his arms and explained to my mother that he was going to need to have someone to hold her tightly.  My father stepped up to hold her. He grabbed a long rubber tube from the medicine cabinet on the far wall and walked deliberately and slowly up to Moppet.  He put the tube down her throat and for the next ten minutes we just heard this slow ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshowew just hissing out the end of the tube. The somber look of the vet turned into a grin.  Grins were appearing on every face in the room.  Moppets tail began to wag.  They set her on the floor and she almost began to dance with joy.  She even wet a little.

Having a Good Cry

Have you ever felt you wanted to have a good cry but couldn't?  Don't hold back.  It is good for you to have a good cry.  When you cry it creates a chemical change in your body that helps you cope with a stressful situation. Wiki how has a great site that gives you tips to help you get through a good bout of crying.  It is http://www.wikihow.com/Cry-and-Let-It-All-Out.  I highly suggest this for anyone who might be holding in their tears.

Some people have trouble expressing themselves and so they bottle up all the things they wanted to complain about.  Over time these petty little annoyances add up layer after layer and they cause more stress.  People that don't assert their needs tend to have years and years worth of pent up resentment that just eats away at them over time.  Once you have a good cry it can help you deal with the issues that you have been taking in and not dealing with instead of being angry and numb.

Emotional Equations

               The quest to examine emotions, why we have them, how to deal with them, and the best way to view them will empower you.  An invaluable operating manual to explore emotions is entitled Emotional Equations by Chip Conley.  He gives us some simple truths for creating happiness and success.  The main point of the book is that we all have emotions, and when they are handled in a clever way we will have a meaningful happy life.  He quotes Viktor Frankl and Benjamin Franklin with the seeds of wisdom they have given humanity.  He uses prime examples of ways we can step back from our emotions and really weigh the impact of the things that cause us to move forward in life the way we do. 

                This book pointed out that research has shown that a person’s IQ in decision making is ten points lower when they make a decision when they are emotionally charged.  This however makes sense.  I often encourage people to “sleep on it.” when they are making a big decision.  It is also a good idea to not make too many changes in your life when you are going through an emotional time in your life.

                I strongly suggest anyone who would like to step back from their emotional reactive life and really think about what makes us tick emotionally read this book.  The equations such as [Curiosity = Wonder+ Awe] and [Anxiety= Uncertainty x Powerlessness] are explained, and will help me think about the way I feel and decide which way is the best way to act before I react to my emotions.  

Quieting A Child's Mind, Instructions from Dalai Lama and Paul Ekman, PH.D

When a child acts out, it is easy to identify a tantrum.  Teaching a child to work with their anger constructively and better manage our desctructive emotions is difficult especially when we don't know how to quiet our own minds. We teach them to control their anger and wait before they act. But, how does increasing the time gap between an implulse and the act help? Why should we react differently to the person who rupsets us than to the upsetting act-- and what would help us do this?  How can we widen the circle of people for whom we feel geniuine compassion?"  These are all questions answered in the boook A conversation Between the Dalai Lama and Paul Ekman, PH.D., Emotional Awareness overcoming the Obstacles to Psychological Balance and Compassion.
This book will help you reveal the importance of understanding the nature of our emotions and their universality. Meditation focusing on the breath benefits emotion.     Reading the book gives one insight into the inner workings of quieting the mind.  We want our children to be compassionate beings.  This book will help us get to that place where we can guide our children to compassion.
 How people view the world is a starting point.  The core question of how to cultivate compassion arises in this book so that we can focus on teaching our children these principles.  The principles of extending compassion to all human beings will make the world a better place.  This book had a sense of flow and timely application through therir back and forth exchange and is written will.
 

How can we train our minds to observe?  How can we get Cranky Crandle to breath and watch his anger when he gets hit by a mushy pea through Doug's pea shooter?  No one denies that he had a right to be angry.  So now he can explore the trouble that is faced by his emotional mind.  How can Crandle tackle his wicked mischievous  idea to cut off the hair of Eileen McNair?  When he watches T.V he gets the picture that the path to a happy life is immediate gratification.    He had the idea that if his outside world is peaceful he would be at peace.  When his world was disrupted he took his anger out on the world.    Crandle wanted to change his outside world and thought that if he did that everything would be o.k.  But maybe, just maybe we need to change our inside world.

Maybe if Crandle had a way to calm down before he acted on his emotion he would have been able to be master of his emotions. So the next time your child tries to through a tantrum consider a Calm Jar. Explain  that they need a break and may come back when everything has settled to the bottom. Mix 1 jar or bottle with a lid 1 tbsp of clear glue (or glitter glue) to each 1 cup of (hot) water to fill the jar Add in glitter (I added about 1 inch of glitter) food colouring (optional). Add a little glycerine, and dish soap for viscosity.  Try one for your child our your inner child.  You and your family may be on the way to a more quiet mind.